I truly believe that working on one’s self-compassion is one of the most important skills to work on as a person. Working with clients this seems to be one of the hardest changes to make. Our inner dialogue is often very self-critical. Often due to our own parenting through care givers, we have developed the strategy to control and parent ourselves in a punitive way.
Defining self-compassion
Self-compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding towards oneself, especially during moments of difficulty. It can feel really challenging to implement when we didn’t receive warmth or support from our parents, but self-compassion is a skill that anyone can work on and cultivate. Many studies have revealed, that we do much better in life, if our parents parent us with compassion, empathy and emotional attunement. Adults who were raised this way in childhood can then draw upon these experiences to nurture their Inner Child with the same loving and compassionate approach. (Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. 2009) Consciously practicing self-compassion, even if we were never taught this skill by our parents, allows us to reparent ourselves, fostering greater self-esteem and emotional regulation.
Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge Feelings
- Identify Emotions: Start by observing your emotions without judgment. When you feel self-critical, simply note, “I’m feeling hard on myself” or “I’m feeling hurt.”
- Acknowledge Your Inner Critic: It’s common to internalize distant or critical voices from the past. Recognize when this inner critic is at play without being harsh on yourself for having these thoughts.
- Practice Non-Judgment: Try to observe your feelings and thoughts as you would a passing cloud—acknowledge them, let them float by, and try not to attach judgment.
Step 2: Reframe Self-Criticism with Kindness
- Challenge Self-Critical Thoughts: When you hear a self-critical thought, imagine you are speaking to a friend instead. What would you say to them? Use this compassionate voice for yourself.
- Create a Mantra: Choose a simple, positive affirmation to counter critical thoughts. For example, “I am doing the best I can, and that’s enough” or “I am worthy of kindness.”
- Reframe Negative Beliefs: If you often think, “I’m not good enough,” practice countering it with “I am learning and growing, and that’s valuable.”
Step 3: Cultivate a Self-Compassionate Mindset
- Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation: Sit quietly, close your eyes, and mentally repeat phrases like “May I be kind to myself,” “May I find peace,” or “May I learn to love myself.” Even a few minutes a day can help build self-compassion.
- Journal with Compassion: At the end of each day, write down moments when you were kind to yourself or situations where you could have used more kindness. Over time, this practice strengthens self-compassion.
Step 4: Develop Supportive Self-Talk
- Use “You” Statements: Sometimes speaking to yourself as if you’re talking to someone else makes it easier. For instance, “You are learning and growing, and that is enough.”
- Create a Self-Compassionate Persona: Imagine someone who is endlessly kind and compassionate (like a mentor or even a character). When you’re struggling, think about how they would comfort you and use this persona’s words as guidance.
Step 5: Reframe Mistakes and Setbacks as Learning
- Practice Growth Mindset: Remind yourself that mistakes are part of learning. Reflect on what you can learn instead of focusing on the negative.
- Set Small, Kind Goals: Avoid overwhelming yourself with big changes. Set achievable goals and celebrate small wins.
Step 6: Create a Routine of Self-Care
- Daily Self-Care Rituals: Build small self-care habits like a morning walk, reading, or a cup of tea. These acts reinforce that you are worthy of care and kindness.
- Practice Gentle Boundaries: Learn to say no or to step back from situations that trigger self-doubt or negative feelings.
Step 7: Seek Support and Affirmation
- Share with Trusted Friends or a Therapist: Sharing your journey with someone supportive can help you feel understood and validated. They may also reflect back the compassion you’re learning to cultivate within yourself.
- Join a Self-Compassion Group or Online Community: Connecting with others on a similar journey can remind you that self-compassion is a shared human experience.
Closing Thoughts
Healing through self-compassion is a journey that takes patience. By practicing these steps consistently, you can start building an inner relationship based on warmth, kindness, and acceptance. Over time, this will become more natural, helping you navigate challenges with resilience and greater self-acceptance.
Reference: Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77(1), 23-50.
